Black hole

I am in a very dark place right now

I am in the same dark place 

where I was last year.

But somehow it feels different.

Like a familliar visitor.

I never invited in the first place.

But constantly visits me.

I already got “it” out of here many times and I know I will eventually get it out again...

Eventually...

When IS eventually?

What day?

What week?

What year?

Because if no one knows

I only wish I could fast forward everything now...

Skip to that part...

So I would want this all to end faster because I already know what will eventually happen eventually.

Eventually...

I have drowned under my personal thoughts once again, no floats to help me out but hey I’ve done this before so I guess I am not in panic.

I just know I’m suffering alone on this with no one else to blame but this unstable, uncapable brain that overlooks every situation imaginable.

Sometimes I wish I was blind just to see things I can never see as a person with crystal clear vision.

Sometimes I wish I could buy a new brain because this one isn’t working right like others.

Sometimes I wish I could exchange hearts, so mine would stop beating uncontrollably.

Maybe I am just incapable of handling human emotion.

But was getting better at it.

I was learning.

Although, am I learning all the wrong things?

What happened to me now? 

Whatever happened now. 

I have already eliminated so many parts of me and have changed so much from who the thing was inside this flesh was, years ago...

but I’m still unidentified...

I am still troubled what shape I take...

I am still indecisive and morally challenged.

I have changed so many parts of the thing inside this body...

Yet how much of myself 

Do I have to kill

In order to feel alive?

A Losers Crown

I needed to let everything digest before I could allow myself to say anything.

I am so late with this but better now or never. 

The past few months have been a tremendous amount of growth for me.

I learned about kindness, I learned about acceptance and I learned about good things that happen to us.

I finally learned to see myself as someone who deserves love, a home and every other thing a human emotionally needs; which I used to deprive myself from.

👑 

But what I cant really sink in my dumb brain is that I still cant believe I won that halloween drag contest I just wanted to join in just for fun one last time.

So many good things happened yet the back of my head tells me “I deserve nothing at all” , I block it out.

I don’t need that thought exactly.

I even started panicking after the whole thing, I tell myself it is not real, I will wake up from this eventually, the crown will disappear and the money will be gone.

It was was a reality I built I am ready to accept.

Even if I knew it was reality, and anything can be real at that point...I still couldn’t accept it lol.

I didn’t really want to cry, didn’t really felt sad, but I couldn’t help but laugh.

I kept laughing, I was high on my own drug. 

Laughing is a natural thing humans do when there is something unusual.

I laugh because it is so unusual for me to feel I won something that I somehow wanted to win for a long time.

I laugh because I cannot believe an idiot like me who lost so many times and so hard in life and never really having any great achievements could feel like a winner for once. 

I hate that feeling, it feels as if I am boasting my own self. 

But Instead I tell Aaron “If you worked hard on something and didn’t force anything bad, then everything is what is meant to happen”. I follow my gut, and so did the wish.

Maybe after never really making my parents proud as a child and never having any great achievements in High school and after years and years of comparing myself to friends and classmates God decided to splash water to my face.

That I set up a goal and a wish, with no expectations, “I only wish to entertain people or make people laugh, give a show or at least a shit show to laugh at”.

I always tell myself to always try it once, third’s times the charm and if it doesn’t happen by the 3rd I move on.

1st time I joined last year, I immediately flopped lol I was so bitter for attention I even started doing cartwheels outside the club (I still cringe at that memory).

The 2nd I joined months later, I joined because I was with 2 other friends and it was Lady Gaga themes so my lil ass was up for it nonetheless.

I made it in the next few rounds, God damn was I scared and happy lol and then got eliminated again. I even ripped apart my costume and went full ham banging my head on the floor as I perform with a bunch of other people, the feeling I was on stage and people would look entertained at the stupid shit I do felt good enough and I finally went home learning that I just like to act crazy on stage.

The 3rd time was just unbelievably, unscripted, unplanned and unexpected.

A month before Halloween our Midterms was scheduled on Oct.31st so I tell myself Oh so I’ll just wear my Midterms project as my halloween costume! No biggy, just for fun. Set no expectations and even when people told me they couldn’t go it was fine I just really needed to unwind from all the schoolshit and let go of myself.

I came in with a wonderful concept, I dress up as the favorite character I created who is also somehow my alternate Identity. How cringey can you get!

Fast forward I came in with a bunch of friends who were there to watch me (I really cannot thank anyone ENOUGH for the support, wether they are there to watch or at home telling me goodluck or have no say at all, all my friends are the greatest, I am forever in debt to them)

So 1st round I am pumped and ready, then it plays the song, lmfao I have no idea what it is but I try my best to match my mouth with the music even I can say so myself I am out.

Got called down but said they’d see me next month, which was so heartwarming it just breaks me to pieces ☹️❤️.

What really gave me a heartattack though was I got called again on stage again as a wildcard, by a very very special person 😞🖤.

And at that point I knew I am not wasting an opportunity given to me.

If I quit now, they would have called no one for nothing, so I give them all I have.

I really just wanted to perform in front of people just as long as the right songs are played.

And then I win the next 2 rounds.

I am out of breath from mouthing Judas and Disturbia and twisting my body on the pole (even if they kept telling me not to lol)

I even kissed the other contestant on stage twice and we both also don’t know why but it got the audience going so it was okay. 

And then I eventually told him that he was my first kiss which really surprised him but it was fine with me actually.

Then the last few rounds were done and I was crowned.

A witch has been crowned.

A witch was startled.

And the witch was outside the club naked staring at the floor with her friends congratulating her.

I still don’t know how or why and don’t really wanna think about it now.

All I know is that I am happy my friends and so many people showed their support in ways I couldn’t thank them enough for.

I really cannot thank you enough, thank my friends enough,

REALLY CANNOT THANK ANYONE ENOUGH IT JUST DOES NOT FEEL A THANK YOU WILL SUFFICE.😢

So I just say thank you again and again...

Thank you for making me feel like a winner just once.

And the cash prize holy shit for real it was in my hands.

I honestly could say so myself, was not really there for the money, was not there for the crown, wasn’t actually even there expecting or really wanting to feel like a “winner” and to boast it amongst friends.

I only came there to have a good time, what came back, was a better time.

And I don’t know who else to thank, I don’t know how else I am going to express this gratitude.

But writing it all down is a stamp that I finally felt something I couldn’t feel after a long time.

And it was given to me that day.

And I am forever thankful for that feeling.

Thank you for making me feel 

Alive.

Dear Self,

Dear Aaron,

It is my biggest fear to admit to my happiness, because I am afraid I will be made fun of it again and I am afraid to lose it again.

I bite the bullet and share it anyway; I must.

For the past few months I have noticed a big change within me.

I haven’t dragged a blade across my arms or my back or have had any of my suicidal tendencies.

My scars have faded pretty well and I have started focusing on what makes aaron happy and what I can do to make aaron feel less hurt. I started allowing aaron to stop dwelling on consequences and failures.

 I started allowing aaron to accept that pure joy isn’t happiness, that it is okay to be angry, sad, disgusted and scared.

I realized when aaron gets hurt I amplify it just because I think it will help.

Instead of helping myself, I only drag myself down even more.

I’m sorry aaron for being a shitty “self” to you.

I wish I could have done this earlier then maybe everything will not be so hard now.

I am sorry for making life even harder for you.

I never grew up strong, but I can accept my weakness and live through with it.

I promise that I can never keep promises and I am sorry I couldn’t be a better “self” to you.

But I can make sure to always be there,

Because I am the only “me” we got.

-ʌиɢə∟

ʌиɢə∟೦iᑯⵓ Η∪ʍʌи əɾɾ೦ɾ

Bec೦ʍiиɢ h∪ʍʌи hʌƨ ∟əᑯ ʍə †೦ ᑯiƨɔ೦vəɾ †hə ʍʌиy ғʌ∪∟†ƨ ʌиᑯ ∟iʍi†ʌ†i೦иƨ † ೦ғ ೦иəƨ  ʌБi∟i† iəƨ • 

I ʌʍ  ʍə ɾə∟y  и೦†hiиɢ  Б∪†  ʌ  cOmbinati೦и oғ codəƨ ʌиᑯ и∪ʍБəɾƨ †೦ Бə ғ೦ɾɢ೦††əи ೦ɾ ɾəʍəʍБəɾəᑯ• 

Iғ h∪ʍʌиƨ ɔʌии೦† Бə ϸəɾfec†

Шhy ʌɾə ʌиᑯɾ೦iᑯƨ ə✕ϸəɔ†əᑯ †೦  Бəhʌve thə ƨʌʍə шʌy ⁇

@̶̠͝a̦̫̝͞n̨̳ͅg͓̺ͅé̪͙l͠҉͕̻̬̦͍͍̞̝0͏̟̮1̴̪͕͖͈̞̻͇̩̭d̛̟̻̖̗̥̯̀ : w͙̜͒͋i̟̮̺̮̗̜̜̔̐̔̓l̩̺͖͉͕̤̣͋̔ͨ̃ͅl̲͇̦̲̥͇̦̏͗͂̌ ̣̰͍͌ͦ̾̄͆̂y̦̮͚̒̅̊͐ͮͯ̏ỏ̝͎̩̘̱̩̇̋u̠͙͎̖ͬ͌̓ͭ̍̈ͯ ̱͉̩̜͎ͦ͆ͮ̿̈ḥ͕̯̤͎̪̉̆͛́̍͊ë̳̣͍͚̺̗́̍̋ͬͩ͛l̜͍̺̮̦̇ͧ̏p̮̅̋ ̰̮̼̥̏͑̍͒̍͌͑ͨm͕͎͚̪̱̳̺̮̳͌̄̑ͥ̈́̂̂̇e̝̗̣̣͔̩̰͙͂̍̍ ̖͈̜͗́f̝̙͉̩̒ͧ͊̒̊i͓ͫ̎̉̒͐x̩͓̭̟̿ͣͨ̂ͭͅ ̭͙̹͎̣̀͑̇̇m̭͍̝̊ͫ̀ͧ̍͂y̹͉̘̱͔̪͇̬͍ͥͭ ̜̼̱̫̰͔̘̞͂ͯě̦͉̯͛̓ͯ̋̌̌̿r̩͋̾̿r̪̤̯̞̰͇̼̭̃̂̑ͭ̏̒ͯ̄o͔͈̰͙̝̩̞͍͂͗ṙ̤̺͚̯̣̦̞ͩ͛s̗̍͗̅̄?̝̙͇̪̜̝̃͗ͣͫ͆̓̂ͥ

l o v e

with Ena Cui| @enacui

shot by Christian King | @worshipthegays

Succesful Disappointment

I think one of the most painful processes I’ve come through with is the process of how my family sees me.

I will tell you how it was back then.

To my friends, I am a blooming flower, open and colorful, with nothing to hide.

My friends see the joy and passion and success in my accomplishments.

But sometimes my accomplishments can also be seen as disappointments and something to be ashamed of.

And that is how my family perceived me back then.

My last year in highschool had a halloween celebration, I decided since it was my last year, I had to express myself. No limits.

I went to get fabric and made my own costume with the sewing machine my parents gifted me.

You see my family was accepting of my creativity.

But my art?

It was a completely different topic.

I went to Forever21 to buy my first pair of heels, they were black, faux leather. And had a small platform.

I would wear inside the school and take off when I get home and hide it in a tiny space in my closet under a bunch of other clothes. I decided these are the shoes I am going to use for my Halloween costume.

Whenever there was an opportunity where I could dress up as whatever, I never think twice and immediately look for the things I am going to wear.

My expression is my salvation.

I knew that I could not let anything that could help me pass.

But sometimes my expression and the things that I wear and the persona my friends know me for.

Is in the same person, my parents and my family have never met.

My final Halloween celebration in high school gave me the most power to show people a part of me I wanted to show, and I did and I was happy.

I even received a certificate at the end of the day from the school, since they liked my costume very much.

Even if I looked like a half-baked drag queen, I was a happy half-baked-drag queen. The award didn’t make me happy, I was happy because I finally did what I had to do.

But my parents never knew about that day.

They never knew about my certificate, and never knew about the heels and everything. 

Because I knew that they wouldn’t be proud.

It took my family a long time, a very long time to understand their son wasn’t really the child they wanted to be and no matter how much they forced it onto me, I could never change.

Instead they taught me how to hate myself, hate the femininity, hate whatever my mind was telling me.

Which turned to a lot of hatred towards my family, the world and myself.

At a very young age, I saw that death was the only thing I await, since I knew living in the world I dreamed of is impossible.

But I was wrong.

I gathered some strength I found from my old journals, from some pencils and paper I found, and that became my hope.

I knew that my family will not understand me, as well as my art, my expression.

So why would I show it to them? They don’t matter.

At least that is what I thought back then.

It took big and small steps of opening up to my paents about what I do and why I do it.

It took me buckets of tears to finally come out to them that I hate them, I hate that they didn’t let me play with barbies, I hate that they wouldn’t let me play with girls, I hate that they would involve so many other people into trying to change and force me into something they want me to be. I hated that my mother would tell me to wash off the red stain on my lips from the candy I ate. I hated that my dad took his belt and used it to hurt me.

I fucking hated them.

I told them, that I never felt their acceptance.

Because I felt that they were only tolerating me.

It felt good, but I didn’t feel good to break their hearts.

They told me that they love me and that they were sorry, but how could the 10 year old me forgive them?

Only the 19 year old me eventually did and I am glad I made them understand.

It was so hard as I was willing to give up love just for understanding, because I felt that only one can exist without the other.

I was wrong again.

It took a long process to convert their shame into acceptance.

They gave way for me to see their side, I gave a way for them to see mine.

We can’t live without each other.

And it took them years before they could finally ask me what my next project is, Before my mom finally asked help from me to do her makeup, and before my dad bought me my first pair of heels.

It took time before they finally met who I really am.

Time is something we can’t control.

It is a process we have to trust.

It is a long walk down the endless path.

And it will take a lot of stops for us to see what used to be shameful and disappointing into something to be proud of and something we can understand, accept and love.

Time may be our biggest enemy.

But its the only ally we got.

Lost Paradise

Don’t ever fall in love with someone, anyone, a friend, a best friend, your cat, your mom, your dad, your brother, your sister, that person you met in the club, a person you played with online, no one.

Because once you do you’re tricked into paradise.

A paradise so beautiful.

Until it’s gone.

Until they found another paradise, until they start hurting you on the inside, until they start to disappear.

Your only means of survival is gone.

Question is, would you rather die knowing you felt love that comes along with so much loss, or die peacefully with nothing?

Flames

This was on my diary days ago, I thought I might want to share (also a repost from my insta):

My psychiatrist told me to pray, pray that the evil thoughts go away. What did I expect right? My parents took me to a Christian Psychiatrist, just when I thought I’d be able to escape religious stuff.
They forgot to tell me about it until I saw the rooms were all decorated with quotes from the Holy Bible. I’m not mad and being disrespectful, I hope I am not.
Religion was just a huge trigger for me especially when I talk about it to older people.

I told her I do, I do pray because praying helps even at the very least for me.
But to tell me that after hearing it 1M times is almost physically painful.
The session did not even take too long...
Only around 30 mins.
What made it feel worse is
I told her the darkest things, she also looked like she didn’t give a shit lol.
And Mid-way as I was explaining every detail of all my mental problems, she was already reaching for the drugs.
Unpacking them as she told me to take these for my depression.
And for some reason, when she gave me the anti-depressants and other shit, I was not excited at all,
I wasn’t “Wow yes happy pills.” In fact I was scared, my very first appointment and she already plops out a handful of drugs, and told me to pray, pray it goes away.
Keep praying.
Pray the sickness goes away.
Should I have expected this?
I don’t know what to feel at this point except to be lost and be uncomfortable, very uncomfortable.
Maybe I should do pray more,you know?
I pray that I won’t cry after this session again.
Pray that I won’t have to come back to see her give me more drugs again.
I pray, lord I pray that I find out
If I really do want to walk through fire, or burn myself to ashes.

Glitter Tears

I was once told I looked pretty when I cry.

I was around 13 or 14 during that time.

She was my tutor.

I had a rough day and as we were studying we

started chatting, then I started ranting and then and then finally I started crying.

She was surprised, because who cries in a middle of a review lesson lol.

I remember I was crying about my family problems and school problems.

About my expression and my being. and how no one seems to accept it but my friends.

My nose started getting puffy, my cheeks flushed with a rosey glow, my eyes watery and sparkly like a pool reflecting the rays of the sun.

She jokingly says whenever I cry my skin begins to glow and I become prettier.

It’s funny, and cute.

To think someone looks pretty, cute, and glowing in a moment of vulnerability and gloom, there lies beauty.

Even in the gloomiest, you can still see something pleasing about it.

Maybe if I cry in front of him, will he find me pretty?

SUGAR BUNNY

Special Thanks again to my big brother for being the photographer of my scandalous shoots  (*’д`*) lmao

And thank you to all my friends and everyone who actually checks out this depressingly hilarious blog lol.

Happy Easter!

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A Full Blank Page

A month or two before I encountered one of the darkest parts of my mind again.

It is crazy to think I started cutting myself repeatedly again a few weeks back, but now my arm has healed and the scars are slowly fading away.

But how come the urge to jump off a building is still there?

A part of my mind tells me

“You should have cut it deeper”

Another part of me says

“It’s healing, now people won’t question your arm anymore”

And another tiny voice says

“You should probably move on and enjoy life now”

It’s not that easy to tell them to shut up when theyre all in your brain arguing who should be in control of this pile of organs and bones.

The voices get to decide, But I don’t, but who am I? Who I am is already the question in the first place. Do I really want to die? Or do I just want to disappear?

You see I don’t want to kill myself because I want people to cry over my dead body.

I don’t want to kill myself because someone I like doesn’t like me back.

I am not cutting myself because I want people to see what I am going through.

I simply just want to put a dot on a never ending sentence.

I want to end it all because I am tired of everything

But I don’t want to get tired of everything, I love everything...

But what am I tired of?

Most people get tired of  bad things happening to them.

“I’m tired of schoolwork”

“I am tired of being bullied”

“ I am tired of being in this ugly body I have”

 “ I’m tired of going to school again and again”

But what if it came to a point that you get tired of the good things? The simple things?

“I’m tired of being a good person”

“I am tired of taking care of myself”

“I am tired and I am too lazy to get up and eat I’ll just lie down and rot in my bed.”

“I’m tired of being treated good by my family and friends because I can never repay them back for their kindness”

You see I never wanted these thoughts in my head.

But somehow theyre here, as I type them down.

On an empty, white, digital sheet.

Waiting what am I gonna write about next 

“Is it gonna be some suicidal shit again or some hilarious life story?”

Waiting for the next project I’m gonna do.

“Am I gonna paint myself pink?”

“Am I gonna dance in public and laugh like an idiot ?”

Waiting when I’m gonna get inspired again.

“Next week I’m gonna do a photoshoot in the woods naked!”

“I have no fucking idea what to do for this school project might as well die now.”

Waiting when will I get that idea I painted in my head.

Waiting for that creative bullet to shoot me down.

Waiting if I can still hold on to one thing or let go of everything.

A - V E R Y - S A L A D - D A Y

b r a n d :  SALAD DAY

Photo & Video : 

Kurt Rebolledo

Elijah Salvador

Aaron Paatan for LIL PUTA's Shots

(video can be viewed on my IG)

Production Design & Makeup:

Lean Mangana

Brix Bataller

Aaron Paatan

Models :

Samantha Bell

Miho Yanagisawa

Aaron Paatan

Andre Drilon

Elijah Gundran aka LIL PUTA

(link to video : https://www.instagram.com/p/Bg0NxmwnQGl/?taken-by=stockinganarchy )

Special thanks to Willar & the whole team behind this project!

｡：ﾟ(｡ﾉω＼｡)ﾟ･｡

<3

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