Wednesday, February 6, 2019

ATTENTION SEEKER

Attention yes that is what i want.

I am nothing but an attention seeker.

I hope u understand that the only reason why i share too much of myself and everything, from the beautiful pictures i try to create versus the ugly things i do to myself and everything around me.

The way I want to portray myself as something beautiful when I also want you to see how ugly I am on the inside with zero photoshop or video filters.

See both sides of me, I want you to meet both of me, I want you to know all of me.

Because I want you to know the truth, my truth at least. 

I want to be friends with people, but some just want me for a follow and follow-back.

I want to be touched in reality but I am locked within your cellphone screens.

I am afraid of you learning about me but lets be afraid and do it anyway. I cant help but try, it is an itch I cant help but scratch anyway.

Because i have nothing else valuable left to share with this world once I leave.

This is the purpose i chose to make a promise with because I find it lovely when one person told me someone’s story could be of any help with someone and i am just stupid enough to believe my story could be of any use to any of you, friends or family or even a stranger.

It is a drug and I cannot stop.

Art is the most dangerous thing in the world. And loving art more than you love surviving life is beautiful and painful.

We all have a poison, this is what I take.

I guess I am a hypocrite when I try to help my friends stop smoking and tell them they are killing them selves when I literally tried to hang myself and cut myself during breakdowns lol.

In a way I am also doing all this for myself yet I am also doing it for someone out there.

Because I couldn’t give attention to myself at times I have lost even just one glance of my family or friends’ because I didn’t deserve love or understanding.

I was miserable enough to just seek for just one moment of attention from any one of them and take that instead of love and understanding, because it is too expensive. I could only afford to beg for attention; a look, a glance, a short moment of false care and “love” within quotation marks.

Maybe I have lost so much, too much that is why I am like this.

I am so mentally poor that an instagram like for me is = love, only if I believe enough and if I convince myself enough it is.


Maybe that is why I am afraid to meet new people or experience the outside world because I keep crawling back inside my cave again and again.

I am no longer a teenager but so far from being an adult.

Its safe here being a prisoner of my own room, phone and mind.

But it makes me only exist online to many of you.

But I cannot stay here forever.

I have always wanted to leave this place.

Because I love the outside world too much.

But too afraid to grow up ,step out and be ready to get hurt or get loved.


Monday, November 26, 2018

Me

This account is being handled by two people


One is real and one is this thing inside my brain.


I do think I am starting to look crazier now or I look like I am making a story up but if you wanted me to answer honestly I would have given the same answer.


My entire instagram is a simple character, they are a concept.

Separate from who the guy you see in my stories are, who is the person you would most likely meet in real life, because thats just who I really am. That person is not a character. 


I decided to separate these because It wasn’t impossible to keep my these two beings separate but it was impossible for both beings to exist as ONE. As they are two.


Which then lead to more troubles as 2 became 3 (@angel01d)



And I fear there could be even more...

My entire being isn’t fake.

I just use different places to express different parts of the person inside this body I have.

To introduce to you who aaron is, who angel is and whoever the hell I am right now.


I’m really sorry I’m difficult to understand.

But you don’t have to, it is okay to leave.


Because I cannot Identify just as “one” person.


It’s just beyond my capabilities to answer that.


If I ask a question to myself again.



“If an alternate universe existed, where everything was easier and life was a breeze, would you have rather went there instead?”



I honestly wont, because I know what I am now and I wont leave myself behind for something else I could have never been.


I am me. But that is also me. And this person is also me. And this character is also me. And that thing is also me. This voice is also me. Change is also me.

I embrace that part of me.

Because that is just me.




No matter how many times I change.




That is and will always be a part of me.

Friday, November 16, 2018

Black hole

I am in a very dark place right now


I am in the same dark place 


where I was last year.


But somehow it feels different.

Like a familliar visitor.


I never invited in the first place.

But constantly visits me.


I already got “it” out of here many times and I know I will eventually get it out again...


Eventually...


When IS eventually?

What day?

What week?

What year?




Because if no one knows

I only wish I could fast forward everything now...

Skip to that part...

So I would want this all to end faster because I already know what will eventually happen eventually.


Eventually...


I have drowned under my personal thoughts once again, no floats to help me out but hey I’ve done this before so I guess I am not in panic.


I just know I’m suffering alone on this with no one else to blame but this unstable, uncapable brain that overlooks every situation imaginable.


Sometimes I wish I was blind just to see things I can never see as a person with crystal clear vision.


Sometimes I wish I could buy a new brain because this one isn’t working right like others.


Sometimes I wish I could exchange hearts, so mine would stop beating uncontrollably.


Maybe I am just incapable of handling human emotion.


But was getting better at it.


I was learning.


Although, am I learning all the wrong things?


What happened to me now? 


Whatever happened now. 


I have already eliminated so many parts of me and have changed so much from who the thing was inside this flesh was, years ago...


but I’m still unidentified...


I am still troubled what shape I take...


I am still indecisive and morally challenged.


I have changed so many parts of the thing inside this body...


Yet how much of myself 


Do I have to kill


In order to feel alive?

Sunday, November 4, 2018

A Losers Crown



I needed to let everything digest before I could allow myself to say anything.

I am so late with this but better now or never. 

The past few months have been a tremendous amount of growth for me.

I learned about kindness, I learned about acceptance and I learned about good things that happen to us.

I finally learned to see myself as someone who deserves love, a home and every other thing a human emotionally needs; which I used to deprive myself from.

👑 

But what I cant really sink in my dumb brain is that I still cant believe I won that halloween drag contest I just wanted to join in just for fun one last time.

So many good things happened yet the back of my head tells me “I deserve nothing at all” , I block it out.

I don’t need that thought exactly.

I even started panicking after the whole thing, I tell myself it is not real, I will wake up from this eventually, the crown will disappear and the money will be gone.

It was was a reality I built I am ready to accept.


Even if I knew it was reality, and anything can be real at that point...I still couldn’t accept it lol.

I didn’t really want to cry, didn’t really felt sad, but I couldn’t help but laugh.

I kept laughing, I was high on my own drug. 

Laughing is a natural thing humans do when there is something unusual.

I laugh because it is so unusual for me to feel I won something that I somehow wanted to win for a long time.


I laugh because I cannot believe an idiot like me who lost so many times and so hard in life and never really having any great achievements could feel like a winner for once. 

I hate that feeling, it feels as if I am boasting my own self. 

But Instead I tell Aaron “If you worked hard on something and didn’t force anything bad, then everything is what is meant to happen”. I follow my gut, and so did the wish.

Maybe after never really making my parents proud as a child and never having any great achievements in High school and after years and years of comparing myself to friends and classmates God decided to splash water to my face.

That I set up a goal and a wish, with no expectations, “I only wish to entertain people or make people laugh, give a show or at least a shit show to laugh at”.


I always tell myself to always try it once, third’s times the charm and if it doesn’t happen by the 3rd I move on.

1st time I joined last year, I immediately flopped lol I was so bitter for attention I even started doing cartwheels outside the club (I still cringe at that memory).


The 2nd I joined months later, I joined because I was with 2 other friends and it was Lady Gaga themes so my lil ass was up for it nonetheless.

I made it in the next few rounds, God damn was I scared and happy lol and then got eliminated again. I even ripped apart my costume and went full ham banging my head on the floor as I perform with a bunch of other people, the feeling I was on stage and people would look entertained at the stupid shit I do felt good enough and I finally went home learning that I just like to act crazy on stage.


The 3rd time was just unbelievably, unscripted, unplanned and unexpected.

A month before Halloween our Midterms was scheduled on Oct.31st so I tell myself Oh so I’ll just wear my Midterms project as my halloween costume! No biggy, just for fun. Set no expectations and even when people told me they couldn’t go it was fine I just really needed to unwind from all the schoolshit and let go of myself.

I came in with a wonderful concept, I dress up as the favorite character I created who is also somehow my alternate Identity. How cringey can you get!

Fast forward I came in with a bunch of friends who were there to watch me (I really cannot thank anyone ENOUGH for the support, wether they are there to watch or at home telling me goodluck or have no say at all, all my friends are the greatest, I am forever in debt to them)

So 1st round I am pumped and ready, then it plays the song, lmfao I have no idea what it is but I try my best to match my mouth with the music even I can say so myself I am out.

Got called down but said they’d see me next month, which was so heartwarming it just breaks me to pieces ☹️❤️.

What really gave me a heartattack though was I got called again on stage again as a wildcard, by a very very special person 😞🖤.

And at that point I knew I am not wasting an opportunity given to me.

If I quit now, they would have called no one for nothing, so I give them all I have.

I really just wanted to perform in front of people just as long as the right songs are played.

And then I win the next 2 rounds.

I am out of breath from mouthing Judas and Disturbia and twisting my body on the pole (even if they kept telling me not to lol)

I even kissed the other contestant on stage twice and we both also don’t know why but it got the audience going so it was okay. 

And then I eventually told him that he was my first kiss which really surprised him but it was fine with me actually.

Then the last few rounds were done and I was crowned.

A witch has been crowned.

A witch was startled.

And the witch was outside the club naked staring at the floor with her friends congratulating her.


I still don’t know how or why and don’t really wanna think about it now.

All I know is that I am happy my friends and so many people showed their support in ways I couldn’t thank them enough for.

I really cannot thank you enough, thank my friends enough,

REALLY CANNOT THANK ANYONE ENOUGH IT JUST DOES NOT FEEL A THANK YOU WILL SUFFICE.😢

So I just say thank you again and again...

Thank you for making me feel like a winner just once.

And the cash prize holy shit for real it was in my hands.

I honestly could say so myself, was not really there for the money, was not there for the crown, wasn’t actually even there expecting or really wanting to feel like a “winner” and to boast it amongst friends.

I only came there to have a good time, what came back, was a better time.

And I don’t know who else to thank, I don’t know how else I am going to express this gratitude.

But writing it all down is a stamp that I finally felt something I couldn’t feel after a long time.

And it was given to me that day.

And I am forever thankful for that feeling.


Thank you for making me feel 

Alive.


Sunday, October 28, 2018

Dear Self,




Dear Aaron,


It is my biggest fear to admit to my happiness, because I am afraid I will be made fun of it again and I am afraid to lose it again.


I bite the bullet and share it anyway; I must.

For the past few months I have noticed a big change within me.


I haven’t dragged a blade across my arms or my back or have had any of my suicidal tendencies.


My scars have faded pretty well and I have started focusing on what makes aaron happy and what I can do to make aaron feel less hurt. I started allowing aaron to stop dwelling on consequences and failures.


 I started allowing aaron to accept that pure joy isn’t happiness, that it is okay to be angry, sad, disgusted and scared.


I realized when aaron gets hurt I amplify it just because I think it will help.

Instead of helping myself, I only drag myself down even more.




I’m sorry aaron for being a shitty “self” to you.


I wish I could have done this earlier then maybe everything will not be so hard now.


I am sorry for making life even harder for you.

I never grew up strong, but I can accept my weakness and live through with it.



I promise that I can never keep promises and I am sorry I couldn’t be a better “self” to you.




But I can make sure to always be there,




Because I am the only “me” we got.








-ʌиɢə∟

© ᐱ N G E L ᐱ N ᐱ R C H Y
Maira Gall