Black hole

I am in a very dark place right now

I am in the same dark place 

where I was last year.

But somehow it feels different.

Like a familliar visitor.

I never invited in the first place.

But constantly visits me.

I already got “it” out of here many times and I know I will eventually get it out again...

Eventually...

When IS eventually?

What day?

What week?

What year?

Because if no one knows

I only wish I could fast forward everything now...

Skip to that part...

So I would want this all to end faster because I already know what will eventually happen eventually.

Eventually...

I have drowned under my personal thoughts once again, no floats to help me out but hey I’ve done this before so I guess I am not in panic.

I just know I’m suffering alone on this with no one else to blame but this unstable, uncapable brain that overlooks every situation imaginable.

Sometimes I wish I was blind just to see things I can never see as a person with crystal clear vision.

Sometimes I wish I could buy a new brain because this one isn’t working right like others.

Sometimes I wish I could exchange hearts, so mine would stop beating uncontrollably.

Maybe I am just incapable of handling human emotion.

But was getting better at it.

I was learning.

Although, am I learning all the wrong things?

What happened to me now? 

Whatever happened now. 

I have already eliminated so many parts of me and have changed so much from who the thing was inside this flesh was, years ago...

but I’m still unidentified...

I am still troubled what shape I take...

I am still indecisive and morally challenged.

I have changed so many parts of the thing inside this body...

Yet how much of myself 

Do I have to kill

In order to feel alive?

A Losers Crown

I needed to let everything digest before I could allow myself to say anything.

I am so late with this but better now or never. 

The past few months have been a tremendous amount of growth for me.

I learned about kindness, I learned about acceptance and I learned about good things that happen to us.

I finally learned to see myself as someone who deserves love, a home and every other thing a human emotionally needs; which I used to deprive myself from.

👑 

But what I cant really sink in my dumb brain is that I still cant believe I won that halloween drag contest I just wanted to join in just for fun one last time.

So many good things happened yet the back of my head tells me “I deserve nothing at all” , I block it out.

I don’t need that thought exactly.

I even started panicking after the whole thing, I tell myself it is not real, I will wake up from this eventually, the crown will disappear and the money will be gone.

It was was a reality I built I am ready to accept.

Even if I knew it was reality, and anything can be real at that point...I still couldn’t accept it lol.

I didn’t really want to cry, didn’t really felt sad, but I couldn’t help but laugh.

I kept laughing, I was high on my own drug. 

Laughing is a natural thing humans do when there is something unusual.

I laugh because it is so unusual for me to feel I won something that I somehow wanted to win for a long time.

I laugh because I cannot believe an idiot like me who lost so many times and so hard in life and never really having any great achievements could feel like a winner for once. 

I hate that feeling, it feels as if I am boasting my own self. 

But Instead I tell Aaron “If you worked hard on something and didn’t force anything bad, then everything is what is meant to happen”. I follow my gut, and so did the wish.

Maybe after never really making my parents proud as a child and never having any great achievements in High school and after years and years of comparing myself to friends and classmates God decided to splash water to my face.

That I set up a goal and a wish, with no expectations, “I only wish to entertain people or make people laugh, give a show or at least a shit show to laugh at”.

I always tell myself to always try it once, third’s times the charm and if it doesn’t happen by the 3rd I move on.

1st time I joined last year, I immediately flopped lol I was so bitter for attention I even started doing cartwheels outside the club (I still cringe at that memory).

The 2nd I joined months later, I joined because I was with 2 other friends and it was Lady Gaga themes so my lil ass was up for it nonetheless.

I made it in the next few rounds, God damn was I scared and happy lol and then got eliminated again. I even ripped apart my costume and went full ham banging my head on the floor as I perform with a bunch of other people, the feeling I was on stage and people would look entertained at the stupid shit I do felt good enough and I finally went home learning that I just like to act crazy on stage.

The 3rd time was just unbelievably, unscripted, unplanned and unexpected.

A month before Halloween our Midterms was scheduled on Oct.31st so I tell myself Oh so I’ll just wear my Midterms project as my halloween costume! No biggy, just for fun. Set no expectations and even when people told me they couldn’t go it was fine I just really needed to unwind from all the schoolshit and let go of myself.

I came in with a wonderful concept, I dress up as the favorite character I created who is also somehow my alternate Identity. How cringey can you get!

Fast forward I came in with a bunch of friends who were there to watch me (I really cannot thank anyone ENOUGH for the support, wether they are there to watch or at home telling me goodluck or have no say at all, all my friends are the greatest, I am forever in debt to them)

So 1st round I am pumped and ready, then it plays the song, lmfao I have no idea what it is but I try my best to match my mouth with the music even I can say so myself I am out.

Got called down but said they’d see me next month, which was so heartwarming it just breaks me to pieces ☹️❤️.

What really gave me a heartattack though was I got called again on stage again as a wildcard, by a very very special person 😞🖤.

And at that point I knew I am not wasting an opportunity given to me.

If I quit now, they would have called no one for nothing, so I give them all I have.

I really just wanted to perform in front of people just as long as the right songs are played.

And then I win the next 2 rounds.

I am out of breath from mouthing Judas and Disturbia and twisting my body on the pole (even if they kept telling me not to lol)

I even kissed the other contestant on stage twice and we both also don’t know why but it got the audience going so it was okay. 

And then I eventually told him that he was my first kiss which really surprised him but it was fine with me actually.

Then the last few rounds were done and I was crowned.

A witch has been crowned.

A witch was startled.

And the witch was outside the club naked staring at the floor with her friends congratulating her.

I still don’t know how or why and don’t really wanna think about it now.

All I know is that I am happy my friends and so many people showed their support in ways I couldn’t thank them enough for.

I really cannot thank you enough, thank my friends enough,

REALLY CANNOT THANK ANYONE ENOUGH IT JUST DOES NOT FEEL A THANK YOU WILL SUFFICE.😢

So I just say thank you again and again...

Thank you for making me feel like a winner just once.

And the cash prize holy shit for real it was in my hands.

I honestly could say so myself, was not really there for the money, was not there for the crown, wasn’t actually even there expecting or really wanting to feel like a “winner” and to boast it amongst friends.

I only came there to have a good time, what came back, was a better time.

And I don’t know who else to thank, I don’t know how else I am going to express this gratitude.

But writing it all down is a stamp that I finally felt something I couldn’t feel after a long time.

And it was given to me that day.

And I am forever thankful for that feeling.

Thank you for making me feel 

Alive.