Flames

This was on my diary days ago, I thought I might want to share (also a repost from my insta):

My psychiatrist told me to pray, pray that the evil thoughts go away. What did I expect right? My parents took me to a Christian Psychiatrist, just when I thought I’d be able to escape religious stuff.
They forgot to tell me about it until I saw the rooms were all decorated with quotes from the Holy Bible. I’m not mad and being disrespectful, I hope I am not.
Religion was just a huge trigger for me especially when I talk about it to older people.

I told her I do, I do pray because praying helps even at the very least for me.
But to tell me that after hearing it 1M times is almost physically painful.
The session did not even take too long...
Only around 30 mins.
What made it feel worse is
I told her the darkest things, she also looked like she didn’t give a shit lol.
And Mid-way as I was explaining every detail of all my mental problems, she was already reaching for the drugs.
Unpacking them as she told me to take these for my depression.
And for some reason, when she gave me the anti-depressants and other shit, I was not excited at all,
I wasn’t “Wow yes happy pills.” In fact I was scared, my very first appointment and she already plops out a handful of drugs, and told me to pray, pray it goes away.
Keep praying.
Pray the sickness goes away.
Should I have expected this?
I don’t know what to feel at this point except to be lost and be uncomfortable, very uncomfortable.
Maybe I should do pray more,you know?
I pray that I won’t cry after this session again.
Pray that I won’t have to come back to see her give me more drugs again.
I pray, lord I pray that I find out
If I really do want to walk through fire, or burn myself to ashes.

Glitter Tears

I was once told I looked pretty when I cry.

I was around 13 or 14 during that time.

She was my tutor.

I had a rough day and as we were studying we

started chatting, then I started ranting and then and then finally I started crying.

She was surprised, because who cries in a middle of a review lesson lol.

I remember I was crying about my family problems and school problems.

About my expression and my being. and how no one seems to accept it but my friends.

My nose started getting puffy, my cheeks flushed with a rosey glow, my eyes watery and sparkly like a pool reflecting the rays of the sun.

She jokingly says whenever I cry my skin begins to glow and I become prettier.

It’s funny, and cute.

To think someone looks pretty, cute, and glowing in a moment of vulnerability and gloom, there lies beauty.

Even in the gloomiest, you can still see something pleasing about it.

Maybe if I cry in front of him, will he find me pretty?

SUGAR BUNNY

Special Thanks again to my big brother for being the photographer of my scandalous shoots  (*’д`*) lmao

And thank you to all my friends and everyone who actually checks out this depressingly hilarious blog lol.

Happy Easter!

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A Full Blank Page

A month or two before I encountered one of the darkest parts of my mind again.

It is crazy to think I started cutting myself repeatedly again a few weeks back, but now my arm has healed and the scars are slowly fading away.

But how come the urge to jump off a building is still there?

A part of my mind tells me

“You should have cut it deeper”

Another part of me says

“It’s healing, now people won’t question your arm anymore”

And another tiny voice says

“You should probably move on and enjoy life now”

It’s not that easy to tell them to shut up when theyre all in your brain arguing who should be in control of this pile of organs and bones.

The voices get to decide, But I don’t, but who am I? Who I am is already the question in the first place. Do I really want to die? Or do I just want to disappear?

You see I don’t want to kill myself because I want people to cry over my dead body.

I don’t want to kill myself because someone I like doesn’t like me back.

I am not cutting myself because I want people to see what I am going through.

I simply just want to put a dot on a never ending sentence.

I want to end it all because I am tired of everything

But I don’t want to get tired of everything, I love everything...

But what am I tired of?

Most people get tired of  bad things happening to them.

“I’m tired of schoolwork”

“I am tired of being bullied”

“ I am tired of being in this ugly body I have”

 “ I’m tired of going to school again and again”

But what if it came to a point that you get tired of the good things? The simple things?

“I’m tired of being a good person”

“I am tired of taking care of myself”

“I am tired and I am too lazy to get up and eat I’ll just lie down and rot in my bed.”

“I’m tired of being treated good by my family and friends because I can never repay them back for their kindness”

You see I never wanted these thoughts in my head.

But somehow theyre here, as I type them down.

On an empty, white, digital sheet.

Waiting what am I gonna write about next 

“Is it gonna be some suicidal shit again or some hilarious life story?”

Waiting for the next project I’m gonna do.

“Am I gonna paint myself pink?”

“Am I gonna dance in public and laugh like an idiot ?”

Waiting when I’m gonna get inspired again.

“Next week I’m gonna do a photoshoot in the woods naked!”

“I have no fucking idea what to do for this school project might as well die now.”

Waiting when will I get that idea I painted in my head.

Waiting for that creative bullet to shoot me down.

Waiting if I can still hold on to one thing or let go of everything.

A - V E R Y - S A L A D - D A Y

b r a n d :  SALAD DAY

Photo & Video : 

Kurt Rebolledo

Elijah Salvador

Aaron Paatan for LIL PUTA's Shots

(video can be viewed on my IG)

Production Design & Makeup:

Lean Mangana

Brix Bataller

Aaron Paatan

Models :

Samantha Bell

Miho Yanagisawa

Aaron Paatan

Andre Drilon

Elijah Gundran aka LIL PUTA

(link to video : https://www.instagram.com/p/Bg0NxmwnQGl/?taken-by=stockinganarchy )

Special thanks to Willar & the whole team behind this project!

｡：ﾟ(｡ﾉω＼｡)ﾟ･｡

<3

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