Attention yes that is what i want.
I am nothing but an attention seeker.
I hope u understand that the only reason why i share too much of myself and everything, from the beautiful pictures i try to create versus the ugly things i do to myself and everything around me.
The way I want to portray myself as something beautiful when I also want you to see how ugly I am on the inside with zero photoshop or video filters.
See both sides of me, I want you to meet both of me, I want you to know all of me.
Because I want you to know the truth, my truth at least.
I want to be friends with people, but some just want me for a follow and follow-back.
I want to be touched in reality but I am locked within your cellphone screens.
I am afraid of you learning about me but lets be afraid and do it anyway. I cant help but try, it is an itch I cant help but scratch anyway.
Because i have nothing else valuable left to share with this world once I leave.
This is the purpose i chose to make a promise with because I find it lovely when one person told me someone’s story could be of any help with someone and i am just stupid enough to believe my story could be of any use to any of you, friends or family or even a stranger.
It is a drug and I cannot stop.
Art is the most dangerous thing in the world. And loving art more than you love surviving life is beautiful and painful.
We all have a poison, this is what I take.
I guess I am a hypocrite when I try to help my friends stop smoking and tell them they are killing them selves when I literally tried to hang myself and cut myself during breakdowns lol.
In a way I am also doing all this for myself yet I am also doing it for someone out there.
Because I couldn’t give attention to myself at times I have lost even just one glance of my family or friends’ because I didn’t deserve love or understanding.
I was miserable enough to just seek for just one moment of attention from any one of them and take that instead of love and understanding, because it is too expensive. I could only afford to beg for attention; a look, a glance, a short moment of false care and “love” within quotation marks.
Maybe I have lost so much, too much that is why I am like this.
I am so mentally poor that an instagram like for me is = love, only if I believe enough and if I convince myself enough it is.
Maybe that is why I am afraid to meet new people or experience the outside world because I keep crawling back inside my cave again and again.
I am no longer a teenager but so far from being an adult.
Its safe here being a prisoner of my own room, phone and mind.
But it makes me only exist online to many of you.
But I cannot stay here forever.
I have always wanted to leave this place.
Because I love the outside world too much.
But too afraid to grow up ,step out and be ready to get hurt or get loved.
